Grief Support Q & A
Q: What is grief?
Q: Do children experience grief?
Q: My mother died six months ago and my sister seems to be doing so much better than me. Why?
Q: I feel like I am going crazy? Is this normal?
Q: I thought I was doing well at first, but it seems to be getting more difficult. Why is that?
Q: How long will grief last? Will I ever get over the loss of a loved one?
Q: I am not sleeping at night. What can I do?
Q: What helps the grieving process?
Q: I have a friend who is grieving. How can I help?
Q: Should I attend a support group?
Q: If I am grieving, what can I do to survive the holidays?
Q: I have not been involved with Arbor Hospice. Can I still attend a grief support group or workshop?
Q: What is grief
A: Grief is how we feel after a loss. It is an ongoing journey and an individual process that can last for days, weeks, months or years. The pain of loss is so intense and heartbreaking because in loving we connect deeply and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost.
Q: Do children experience grief?
A: Yes, if children are old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve. Many times we forget about children when we are grieving or assume that they do not understand what is going on. It is important to provide age-appropriate support and information on a level that your child can understand. This may include reading books about death and loss, expressing emotions through art/play, and sharing memories and stories. It is also important to understand that children will continue grieving as they get older and can understand more about death and loss. They may grieve differently as they reach new developmental levels and will need continued support.
Q: My mother died six months ago and my sister seems to be doing so much better than me. Why?
A: While many aspects of grieving are similar - feelings of sadness, numbness, confusion, depression - there is no single way to grieve. Grieving is an individual endeavor. Some people want to be surrounded by others and talk about the loss, while others prefer to deal with loss privately. Your sister may be coping with her grief in a different way or may not be sharing her emotions with you. Remember that grief is not a competition and it is important for you to find coping methods that work best for you.
Q: I feel like I am going crazy. Is this normal?
A: Many individuals who are grieving make similar comments. This is due to the fact that your mind and body are adjusting to this significant change in your life. There are many things that you may experience that you are not used to experiencing. On the emotional level, someone who is grieving experiences disbelief, shock, numbness, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, irritability, frustration, confusion and distractibility. Physically, someone may find it difficult to sleep, have changes in appetite, and feel exhaustion or a lack of motivation. All of these emotional and physical symptoms fall within the normal range of response to the loss of a loved one.
Q: I thought I was doing well at first, but it seems to be getting more difficult. Why is that?
A: For some individuals, the time immediately following a death can be so busy that there is no time to focus on emotions. This is the time when family and friends are there to help out and support the person who is grieving. This is also when the focus is more on completing tasks such as planning the funeral, writing the obituary and taking care of financial/estate issues. As it becomes quieter and less active, and as the support system dwindles, emotions can take over and feel as though it is getting more difficult. This is a common experience and it is important to take the time to focus on self-care and dealing with the emotions that arise.
Q: How long will grief last? Will I ever get over the loss of a loved one?
A: Grief is not just a series of events or stages. Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through grief. But how long do you grieve for a husband, child or parent? Loss happens quickly, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime. Grief does not have a clear beginning or end. It will continue throughout our life, sometimes stronger than other times. We never get over the loss of someone, but we learn to live with that loss. We will eventually remember and honor our loved one without feeling pain.
Q: I am not sleeping at night. What can I do?
A: There are many things that may be leading to your sleepless nights. If you have gotten in the habit of getting up in the middle of the night to check on your loved one, your body has become accustomed to this routine and it may take time to readjust your sleep pattern. You may also be having a hard time falling asleep because your mind is so active with thoughts of your loved one, or you may be waking up with bad dreams. Many people find that keeping a journal next to their bed and writing down thoughts and feelings before bed can be helpful. Consider reading a book or listening to music before bed to relax. Others have found that meditation or guided imagery is a good way to calm the body and mind and help with sleep patterns. If a lack of sleep is disrupting your daily functioning, you may want to talk with your doctor.
Q: What helps the grieving process?
A: Even though grievers often feel helpless, there are important steps and actions they can take to make the grieving process flow more smoothly and toward a more rapid resolution. Seek out supportive people who will listen and care for you as you sort out your grief. Join a support group so you can be with others who have similar losses. Remember to take care of your health. Eat balanced meals, exercise and rest.
Q: I have a friend who is grieving. How can I help?
A: There is no one way to help someone who is grieving. Each person is different and may or may not want help. You can help someone who is grieving by being there for whatever they need, tolerating silences, listening in a non-judgmental way, helping with children or cooking, acknowledging birthdays, death dates, anniversaries and accepting the tears. It is also helpful to offer to perform specific tasks. Someone who is grieving may not know what to ask for. Rather than saying, "Let me know if you need anything," try saying "I'd like to bring over dinner for you on Tuesday. Would that work?"
Q: Should I attend a support group?
A: Grief support groups can be very helpful. Many times when you are grieving, you may feel like the rest of the world has moved on or cannot relate to what you are going through. Support groups provide you with a safe place to talk about your loss and your feelings with others who are experiencing similar things. Support groups can also provide you with a dedicated time to focus on your emotions and offer advice on coping with the daily difficulties of grief.
Arbor Hospice offers a variety of short term, loss-specific support groups. These groups meet with the same people each time and information is provided at each session to focus on the various issues that arise during the grief process.
Q: If I am grieving, what can I do to survive the holidays?
A: Recognize that things will be different. If you continue to think things will be the same, you will be disappointed. Do what is comfortable to you. Don't do something because others want you to, it will only add anxiety. Continue existing traditions if you are comfortable with them, if not, build new traditions. Spend the holiday with people you love and want to be with. Consider going outdoors to enjoy nature and get fresh air, or volunteer somewhere that is meaningful to you. Remember to engage in physical activity and maintain a balanced diet to reduce the effects of grief and loss associated with depression.
Q: I have not been involved with Arbor Hospice. Can I still attend a grief support group or workshop?
A: Yes. Arbor Hospice's grief support services are open to anyone who has experienced a loss, regardless of their hospice involvement. You can learn about Arbor Hospice's grief support programs on our website or by calling (734) 794-5460.